Winners and Losers : From Kris to Ruffa to Gretchen (Desperate Housewives, Philippine Edition)

(Or are we reaping some sort of a negative karma to deserve them?)

The month of June is a good time to review what transpired for the first six months of 2007. For this edition, Conventional Wisdom is focusing on showbiz-related matters instead of the usual politics (which in a way is also show-biz but for ugly people). Read on.

Kris Aquino. Loser. While she is the innocent one in the whole James-Hope brouhaha, Conventional Wisdom thinks that she could have handled the incident with more dignity and privacy. One wonders why this drama queen wants to inflict her day-to-day saga with the whole planet. From exaggerating her "life-threatening" pregnancy, to lambasting her husband in public ("O magsalita ka? Totoo naming pina-palayas na kita sa bahay a?"), to actually using Ninoy to promote a cake in her latest commercial. Kris' next endorsement should neither be beer nor pastries but laundry detergent for her unquenchable desire to always wash
her very dirty underwear in public.

James Yap. Loser. One word: cad. As one writer succinctly said: "What do you expect from a provincial boy who suddenly became famous and wealthy?" The last time we witnessed a showbiz cad was during Gabby Concepcion's time. James is now second in our list. Conventional Wisdom is giving them maximum of 3 years as a couple. Kris is starting to look more and more mature and matronic. James is still young. Give James sometime, and after Hope - - Faith and Charity will spring forth.

Moral of the story. Smoking is bad for marriage: Kris had Philip, James had Hope. Conventional Wisdom can't take any more of this!!!

Ruffa Gutierrez / Annabelle Rama : The mother and daughter (MAD) team strikes again. From a filmfest scam that made it to CNN, to Brunie-yuki scandal that merited a senate hearing, and now, the falling out with Ylmaz - - which is desperately being peddled out as Philippines vs. Turkey. Oppressor vs. Victim.

Ruffa Gutierrez: Loser. A desperate act from a has-been, middle-aged B-actress who is trying to make a come-back by capitalizing on whatever publicity that can be squeezed out from this split. From caterwauling one minute "Hindi ko na kaya Kuya Boy!", to coyly saying the following week "Ligawan nya (Ylmaz) ulit ako" to having her born again baptism rites captured on cam and then heading off to Las Vegas the following week to relax and do damage control (about his marriage five years ago in Las Vegas). Ruffa, you're act is getting stale. You have become so predictable and boring.

Annabelle Rama. Winner. For always a character that she is. For being consistent in her act and for being our constant source of amusement. Conventional Wisdom almost fell off its chair when this motor-mouth fish-wife asked Dolly Ann to return the cosmetics she gave her and then, proceeded on by actually naming two unknown women on national television to pay their debts to her since she now has to take care of Ruffa and her grandchildren: "Hoy, so and so magbayad na kayo ng utang nyo sa akin dahil marami na akong papalamunin ngayon" or something to that effect.

Panalo talaga si Bisaya. I strongly suggest to PGMA that we give this woman a postion in the government preferably as Head of our National Defense. Asap.

Dolly Ann Carvajal. Winner and Loser. A lot of people don't like this woman. For one, she is not pleasing to the eye. Her gay son looks a lot better than she. And admit it or not, she became a writer thru her connections - mom and aunt. But being objective about the whole thing, Conventional Wisdom thinks that Dolly Ann is on the right this time. Why can't the mother and daughter (MAD) tandem just answer the questions posed by Dolly Ann? Why can't Annabelle stick to the issues instead of pointing out something we already know: how ugly Dolly Ann is.

What makes Dolly Ann a loser is her constant use of her departed mom's legacy and memory whenever someone would diss her out. Honey, stop hiding under the skirt of your mom. You are not a sacred cow.

Pia Guanio. Loser. What a lousy lousy interviewer. The depth of her talent as a host is as long as her irritating mini skirts. Do us a favor Pia, ask Bossing to marry you already and then fade into oblivion.

Gretchen Baretto. Loser. One word: Wow. The affectations of La Greta can only be matched by her delusions of grandeur. From the looks of it, she is experiencing the early on-set of a mid-life crisis. She has been picking fights left and right with Lani Mercado, and then with Dawn Zulueta. From her classic statement about the looks of her own daughter: "Naaawa nga ako dahil karamihan ng tao ang sabi kay Dominique, kamukha sya ng tatay nya?". And now the "friendly
beso-beso" lip-lock with John Estrada. Please explain to Conventional Wisdom - - "How can this be a friendly kiss when you and John looked so orgasmic in that shot?

Gretchen is a classic example of "langaw na nakatungtong sa kalabaw, pero feeling mataas pa sa kalabaw." Someone should already tell this woman to seek professional help. Sober up and clean your act sister. You are no Paris Hilton. More like Plaster of Paris Hilton.

Cesar Montano, Richard Gomez, Manny Pacquiao, etc. - Losers. No further explanations needed.

Borgy Manotoc. Loser. Please. Please. From one scandal to the next. From one basag-ulo to the next. We have enough of you and your sap-sap mouth face. Will someone already put this psycho behind bars?

Butch Francisco and Dolly Ann as writers. Losers. Please don't waste precious newspaper space writing about personal stories that nobody (repeat, nobody!) finds interesting at all. From your maid's antics to your experience as a judge of Slimmers World Mr. and Ms. Ek ek, to a current love who inspires you. Please! A tree gave up ts life to have these newspaper printed. Have I mentioned that nobody is interested?

Belo's Billboards. Loser. Hideous. Plain hideous. Whoever is advising Vicky (I can't call her Doctora Vicky because as Osang said, she was a mere aerobics instructor before) to put out all those monstrosities should be charged with Human Rights violations. From the disturbing Chrismas billboard last December, to Richard Gomez's billboard pre-campaign period, to Ai-ai's scary shot. Conventional Wisdom would rather stare at the billboards of Ellen's Beauty Salon (with Ellen as the model herself) than see these Belo ads.

Nora Aunor. Loser. To be a has-been superstar drug dependent in your fifties is bad enough. To be caught doing drugs in another country is worse. To be found-out to have married another woman many years ago for a US green-card is worst. Ate Guy is a classic example of a person blessed with so much talent and opportunity gone to waste.

Regine Velasquez & Ogie Alcasid. Losers. Regine is what ..... .nearing 40? As someone said "from her demeanor to her utterance, Regine is trying very, very, very hard to hold on to youth." And if I may add, failing miserably. This home-wrecker who speaks with an American sleng-sleng should act her age. Seeing her kilig-reaction about the admission of Ogie made me lose my appetite for dinner. Conventional Wisdom is really worried that anytime soon, Regine's face and body will collapse. From her hair extension, her fake long eyelashes, her fake nose, her man-made eye slits, her tooth-caps with gums, and her Gluthathioned skin, her fake boobs. Last we heard, her movie with Piolo flopped big time. Nobody wants to see a May/December love story anymore. Or more correctly, a May 1960/ December 2007 love affair story anymore.

These are the people that are giving Conventional Wisdom constant migraine the past months. If this trend continues until December, aneurysm can't be far behind.

Pass this on until it reaches the following: Ylmaz Bektas, Mother-in-law of Gretchen, Hope, Vic Sotto, PGMA, Michelle Van Something, Letty Magsanoc, and Gov. Vi.


Rachel Bugia
Studio 23 Creative On-Air

- clear your mind of can't -

Discovering your primary 'love language'

You will be presented with 30 pairs of statements. Read each pair with this question in mind: Which of these would I prefer to receive from the significant people in my life (my siblings, parents or friends)? You may enjoy both expressions of love, but if you could only have one, which would you choose?

To simplify the questionnaire, the term "friends" is used to refer to the significant people in your life. After you have made your choice, circle the letter at the end of the statement. Be sure to circle only one letter for each set of statements.


I like to receive notes of affirmation from my friends. A
I like it when my friends hug me or embrace me. E

I like to spend one-to-one time with my friends. B
I feel loved when my friends give practical help to me. D

I like it when my friends give me gifts. C
I like taking long walks with my friends. B

I feel loved when my friends do things to help me. D
I feel loved when my friends touch (pat me on my shoulder, embrace of hug) me. E

I feel loved when my friends hold me in their arms. C
I feel loved when I receive a gift from my friends. E

I like to go places with my friends. B
I like to hold hands with my friends. E

Visible symbols of love (gifts) are very important to me. C
I feel loved when my friends affirm me. A

I like to sit close to my friends. E
I like my friends to tell me I am attractive/handsome. A

I like to spend time with my friends. B
I like to receive little gifts from my friends. C

Words of acceptance are important to me. A
I know my friends love me when they help me. D

I like to do things together with my friends. B
I like the kind words my friends say to me. A

What my friends do affects me more than what they say. D
I feel whole when I am hugged. E

I value praise and try to avoid criticism. A
Several inexpensive gifts from my friends mean more to me than one large gift. C

I feel close when my friends and I are talking or doing something together. B
I feel closer to my friends when they touch (pat) me often. E

I like my friends to compliment my achievements. A
I know my friends love me when they do things for me that they don’t enjoy doing. D

I like my friends to touch me when they walk by. B
I like it when my friends listen to me sympathetically. E

I feel loved when my friends help me with my work. C
I really enjoy receiving gifts from my friends. D

I like my friends to compliment my appearance. A
I feel loved when they take time to understand my feelings. B

I feel secure when they pat me on the back or touch me. E
Acts of service make me feel loved. D

I appreciate the many things my friends do for me. C
I like receiving gifts that my friends make. D

I really enjoy the feeling I get when my friends give me their undivided attention. B
I really enjoy the feeling I get when my friends do some acts of service for me. D

I feel loved when my friends celebrate my birthday with meaningful words (written or spoken). A
I feel loved when they celebrate my birthday with a gift. C

I feel loved when my friends help me out with my work. D
I know they are thinking of me when they give me a gift. C

I appreciate it when my friends listen patiently and don’t interrupt me. B
I appreciate it when they remember special days with a gift. C


I like to know my friends are concerned enough to help with my daily tasks. D
I enjoy extended trips with my friends. B

A peck, a buzz or a kiss is a sign of affection for me. D
Receiving a gift for no special occasion excites me. C

I like to be told that my friends appreciate me. A
I like for them to look at me when we are talking. B

Gifts are always special to me. C
I feel good when my friends touch me or hug me. E

I feel loved when my friends enthusiastically do some tasks I have requested. D
I feel loved when they tell me how much they appreciate me. A

I need to be touched (hugged, embraced) every day. E
I need words of affirmation daily. A



Final instruction: Count the number of times you have encircled each of the five letters. The total for the 5 categories should be 30.

A. Words of Affirmation
B. Quality Time
C. Receiving Gifts
D. Acts of Service
E. Physical Touch

"Like Wine in the River, Like Citizens of the World"

(Harvard Law School 2007 Student Commencement Address)
by Oscar Franklin Barcelona Tan (Philippines)

Dean Kagan, Vice-Dean Alford, professors, classmates, families, and
friends. Let me first thank our tireless graduate program staff. They
were the first friendly faces who greeted me, told me which functions
offered free food, and what to do if you faint during your final
exams. Assistant Dean Jeanne Tai, Nancy Pinn, Heather Wallick, Curtis
Morrow, Jane Bestor, Chris Nepple, April Stockfleet: This year would
not have been possible without you.

But this goes to everyone: Thank you all for truly making us feel part
of this community. We LLMs became your fellow students after your
Salsa Party, Chinese and Korean New Year, African Night, and our
International Party. To honor you, we took Europe by storm, winning in
the inaurgural Negotiation Challenge, in the European Law Moot Court ,
and in the Willem Vis International Commercial Arbitration Moot Court .
Of course, you truly become part of Harvard Law School when you're
featured in the Parody.

Not so long ago, Cambridge seemed a strange, unfriendly place "especially
when I first saw Gropius. I went to John Harvard's with the
British, who began chittering in an alien language. I later discovered
it was actually English" the real English. I complained I was not
used to cold, but a Saudi Arabian reminded me that you can fry eggs on
a sidewalk in Riyadh . An Italian gave me tips on women because Italian
men are the world's greatest lovers, with the disclaimer that their
style does not work on American women. A Malaysian was asked to
explain the religious significance of the color of her hijab, or
headscarf. She would answer: It had to match her blouse.

Soon, we found that great substance that keeps any law school
together: alcohol. On New Year's Eve, a Belarusian handed me a glass
of vodka, but scolded me when I began to sip it. Sipping, he
emphasized, was not the Slavic way. I shared a Frenchman's champagne,
a Peruvian's pisco sour, a Costa Rican's pina colada, a Brazilian's
caipirinha, a Mexican's tequila, and a Japanese's sake. And apologies
to the Germans, but I learned how even weak American beer enlivens an
evening when you drink it with the Irish.

We found greater common ground: The Swiss complained about American
chocolate, the New Zealanders complained about American cheese, the
Sri Lankans complained about American tea, the Indians complained
about the lack of vegetarian food, and everyone complained that
American food makes you fat. An Austrian made homemade apfelstrudel. A
Nigerian made homemade fried plantains. The Pakistanis made a
non-spicy version of keema, and I only needed eight glasses of water
during the meal. All the Americans had was Three Aces pizza.

As for me, I come from the Philippines , a former American colony best
known for Imelda Marcos's shoe collection. I remember being a six-year
old watching my parents walk out of our house to join the crowds
gathering to depose the dictator Ferdinand Marcos and form human walls
against tanks. I remember being a twenty-year old in a different crowd
deposing a different but equally corrupt president.

It was liberating to hear how a Chilean danced with crowds in the
streets when Pinochet was arrested. How the Chinese come to grips with
Tiananmen Square , while convinced that one cannot transplant
American-style government wholesale to Beijing . How life changed in
the former Soviet Union ; how it was like growing up in a fledgling
Eastern European country. How a Pakistani discussed Musharraf's
assault on judicial independence with a South African worried about
Mugabe's own acts in Zimbabwe .

It was even more liberating to hear from a Korean prosecutor how his
country sent two former presidents to jail. How the Swiss have
preserved their tradition of independence and referendum. How Ghana
threw off its colonial fetters and inspired a conscious African
solidarity. How a Bhutanese wants to help shape her constitution after
her king voluntarily gave up absolute power.

I cannot deny that our generation's issues will be complex, but I can
guarantee that they will never be abstract, not after having a
classmate who was an Israeli army drill sergeant, not after having a
Chinese classmate with a Taiwanese girlfriend, nor after having a
classmate chased by gunmen out of Afghanistan . In fact, when George W.
Bush's speechwriter visited, my Iranian classmate introduced himself,
"Hi, I'm from an Axis of Evil country."

Friends, my most uplifting thought this year has been that the more we
learn about each other, the more we realize that we are all alike, and
the more we inspire each other to realize our most heartfelt
yearnings. My single most memorable moment here came when I met South
African Justice Albie Sachs, left with only one arm after an
assassination attempt during apartheid. My classmate stood up and
said: " South Africa is the world's second most unequal country. I come
from Brazil , the world's most unequal country, and I admire how the
South African Constitutional Court has inspired the progress of human
rights throughout the world."

And this is how Harvard has changed us. We recall struggling with
English to keep pace with the world's most brilliant professors,
especially with Elizabeth Warren's Socratic blitzkriegs, and we thank
Harvard for raising our thinking to a higher, broader level. But even
the most powerful ideas demand passion to set them aflame. The passion
we ignite today is fueled by a collage of vignettes that will remind
us in this crucible of life that our peers in faraway lands face the
same frustrations, the same nation building ordeals, the same sorrows,
and ultimately, the same shared joys and triumphs.

How do a mere 700 change the world, even with overpriced Harvard
diplomas? Before a great battle in China 's Spring and Autumn Period,
the legendary King Gou Jian of Yue was presented with fine wine. He
ordered his troops to stand beside a river, and poured the wine into
it. He ordered them to drink from the river and share his gift. A
bottle of wine cannot flavor a river, but the gesture so emboldened
his army that they won a great victory. We of the Class of 2007 shall
flavor this earth, whether we be vodka, wine, champagne, pisco sour,
pina colada, caipirinha, tequila, sake, jagermeister, raki, Irish
stout, Ugandan Warabi, or Philippine lambanog.

Thus, my friends - and this includes our American classmates who will
soon lead the world's lone superpower,let us transcend our
individual nationalities and affirm that we are citizens of the world.
Maraming salamat po, at mabuhay kayong lahat.* Thank you and long live
you all.
____________

* Traditional Filipino closing, literally, "Thank you, sirs, and long
live you all."