I Heart Hate Nature

(Sunday special: A second look at nature. Warning: This is one of the many unpublished articles that I have stashed somewhere. It should be read as a big joke.)
One of the funniest flicks I took a glimpse of this year is a youth-oriented, forgettable film whose title I, of course, can't recall. What I remember seeing is this shirt on this male character which says, "I Hate the Environment."
It’s so silly a slogan I thought it’s actually cool. No, truthful.
Indeed, we all have this romantic notion of saving planet Earth, but do we indeed mean it when we say “we are nature-lovers”? The truth is we don’t, as the shirt says. Now don't even get me started on illustrating why.
I, for one, often can't hide my true feelings about our natural environment. I recall having written three articles that documented how I despised nature - nature trips in particular - even as I enjoyed nature. The first one even won a place in a travel writing contest. Guess what it contained? Well, it documented my great distaste and disdain for doing the kilometric trek to the world-famous Banawe Rice Terraces. The second one, a travelogue on Sagada, complained about the constant threat of getting impaled on the stalagmites of Sumaging Cave. I remember grumbling about my cold all throughout that trip and how I’d rather watch cable TV at my rented place in Baguio. The third was doing the 'mystical' pools of Mt. Banahaw, where I complained to Winston, the tour guide/café owner, how I’d rather have his gourmet meal in his café rather than turn into a gourmet meal to the beasts of the jungle myself.
Indeed, for every blinding white strip like Boracay, there’s this fear of a tsunami engulfing me, if not at least getting sunburned for life. (I’d rather own an infinity pool.) For every exquisite coral formation, there is the ubiquitous threat of a hungry shark lurking. (I’d rather have an aquarium with a lone arowana in my room.) For every magical vista like the area around Taal Volcano, there’s the constant threat of an impending eruption. (I’d rather buy the postcard.) For every memorable trip to the Hundred Islands, there’s a report of a jerk almost drowning. (Wow Philippines!)
Whenever I think about nature, I still can’t get over that TV show I’ve watched as a kid where this nature documentarist covering the Amazon rainforest kept clicking away at his camera in utter amazement at a colony of carnivorous ants he had stumbled upon. He kept on mumbling to himself, “Wonderful!” (click) “Wonderful!” (click) -- until he realized too late he was already being feasted upon by his photography subjects as their special combo meal for the day. I’d rather build a terrarium. I’d rather go to Avilon Zoo. I’d rather watch Discovery Channel or National Geographic.
I prefer culture over doing nature the natural way. I would surely enjoy Carlos Celdran’s walking tours of old Manila. But, wait, even that is not spared being negatively affected by natural wonders. There’s the inevitable problem of the humid tropical weather. Perspiration! There must be a more profound reason why African safari tours are conducted necessarily inside secure, air-conditioned cars, don’t you think? It’s not just that the nature lover is protected from the wrath of rampaging rhinos; it is that, as engaging as the sights may be, there is that ambivalent feeling, the recognition of the savage nature of nature. Nature is something you appreciate only from a distance, from some kind of a smokescreen, with an amount of insurance of safety.
The koalas of Australia are cute – until they poop and fart or claw your face. Bird-watching is exciting - just make sure you don’t catch bird flu. It’s a commendable thing to protect those poor, endangered civet cats – until you realize that these blasted mammals are vectors of the deadly SARS virus. Recall how AIDS jumped from monkey to man - could someone have loved the environment so much as to venture on unprotected sex with a beast? That’s a ‘natural’ thing to do, right? That's human nature, right?
In some way, I hate environmentally sustainable architecture because the weather is always imperfect. When it's summer, it will be humid in there. When it's rainy, everything's muddy and drenched around it. I'm sure I have an automatic cause for complaint when it comes to winter and autumn, have I been living in the temperate zome. No matter the weather, it's ironically second nature to me to want air-conditioning and all the trappings of artificial urban climate adjustment.
Oftentimes, my idea of civic consciousness will never mean tree-hugging. It will invariably mean a rock concert, which, come to think of it, is environment-unfriendly. My idea of extreme sports is solving crossword puzzle. I hate nature because I love plastics, vinyl, velcro, finishing, lacquer, glaze, any industrial processing or procedure that makes life a lot less uncivilized, i.e. a lot more permanent and nonbiodegradable.
I could go on and on, but the truth is, nature, the natural environment, is overrated. Man, since the dawn of civilization, knows that. That is why we’re the only species in this planet that needs to build igloos and tepees and castles with moats to protect us from our enemies: natural resources, not the least the elements. When we come right down to it, we realize that the great outdoors is all about getting itchy, to paraphrase Sapphic lit icon Jeanette Winterson (Written on the Body).
Nature is not just overrated, it can also be dangerous, fearsome, horrible, ugly. It is a great threat to life -- earthquake, lightning, typhoon, hail, sandstorm, sleet, forest fires, avalanche, flood, killer bees, deadly snakes, cancer, tapeworm, mosquito bites, pimples, tooth decay, death.
I hate nature because, no matter what amount of damage man inflicts on it, it can be trusted to evolve. In this regard, it is not overrated, but beyond rating. Man is vulnerable to becoming extinct, but nature is sure to move on like nothing happened. Nature is long; man's life is short.
I believe that we must protect man from nature. Where would civilization be if scientists did not invent Tinactin for your jock itch and, need we mention, GMOs (genetically modified organism) for your ready-to-eat corned beef meal? Where would we be without MTV, CNN, the Internet, toilet paper, water purifier, microwaveable plastic containers, fluoridized water systems, irrigation, and such supposedly nasty energy sources as nuclear reactors?
I believe we must start marking Earth Day as the day we must question nature. For if we just let nature run its natural course, women shouldn't be wearing makeup. If we just let our nature run loose, most likely we would all just be having sex with each other and freely contract AIDS for it. That's the law of nature, right? It's but natural, right? We would all just be trying to outdo, outwit, and outlast one another – all survivors of Survivor - until the species itself gets cited on the CITES List (Convention on International Trade of Endangered Species) as endangered or, worse, extinct.
Don’t you just hate nature? I guess it’s best to let nature be nature and man be man. Let’s protect nature, yes, but in protecting it from man, we must not forget to remind ourselves of nature's crimes against humanity as well.

Death Match: ABS-CBN versus GMA

Anyone aggressively claiming to be ‘Number One’ automatically invites some amount of heckling. Well, I am poised to be a natural heckler here, so sit back, relax and enjoy it, as I try to annoy the heck out of the two constant competitors in the nightly news department of the country’s top TV stations.

I shall cover practically anything that comes to mind, but my critical spirit naturally gravitates first to Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago’s “news readers” – the top anchors.

Mel Tiangco’s (Ch. 7) motherly appeal is no match to the fresh-faced Korina Sanchez (Ch. 2) in a society that values youth and face value in women, especially onscreen. I think Korina’s delivery likewise has the edge in terms of voice quality and clarity. But Mel easily upstages these advantages with her trademark schoolmarmy appeal, giving her the greater voice of authority, although it’s one blunted by her calm and gentle bearing. With Korina being replaced recently by an even younger Karen Davila, I think Ch. 2 played the youth card even harder. Mel faces an even harder competition as Karen radiates with the same strong-woman bearing as hers.

On the other hand, Julius Babao and Henry Omaga-Diaz (Ch. 2), though years younger than Mike Enriquez (Ch. 7), are no match to the latter’s overwhelming strongman presence on the screen, in a society that puts greater premium on the authoritativeness of age when it comes to men. Call it double standard if you want but that’s the way the cookie crumbles. Mike’s delivery, though, sometimes borders on the hysterical and cantankerous and may even sound harassing to the nervy and already-frazzled. This style is either deliberate or an unconscious carryover from his work as a radioman. This, in the face of relative sobriety of the competition, particularly Henry’s ice-cold voice and generally relaxed mien.

ABS-CBN basks in the luxury of rounding up a phalanx of reporters dispatched to where the action is, even to exotic locales around the world, a la CNN. This is even more apparent in its renaming the show TV Patrol World. GMA 7 seems to make do with the comparatively little that it has, but it’s constantly catching up. I personally can’t see any difference between the two stables of workhorses as to the style of delivery (generally tabloid-ish but admittedly engaging) and output (competent enough, save for the occasional lapses and blunders). I have come to a point where I can pinpoint who among the talents used to work for one station but are now working on the other side of the fence. A pretty disorienting picture, I tell you. You can sense both stations to be equally gloating, too - complete with flashing fonts - every time an exclusive report or interview is snagged. The thing is, there’s almost too much similarity when you happen to stumble on your TV straight from a drinking spree.

Same thing with content: Major news headlines are often the same it’s no use furiously pressing the toggle button. Both stations are clearly devoted to the sensational and they make sure every item of horrible crime is well accounted for, the usual reporters fielded to their special beats. Heck, both channels are starkly the same in the news items they choose to ignore or fail to air!

The obvious difference in content lies in the Entertainment beat. Paradoxically, though, the two are only the same in terms of airing only news about their respective stars’ foibles and scandals and in announcing the latest twists in their resident teleseryes!

Now to the more obvious differences: GMA 7 used to have their version of Marc Logan’s unique, lighthearted funnies but Love Añover’s segment is now egregiously gone. Ch. 2 used to have a warm chicken-soup-for-the-soul stuff – equivalent to Mel’s current appeal-for-charity segment - but decided to give it up for some reason. Ch. 7 no longer has a weatherman to equal Ernie Baron’s encyclopedic antics (complete with a trivia quiz), but chooses instead to have someone double for it (often Mike himself). Ch. 7’s Pia Guanio lends a svelte, smart and saucy presence as the Entertainment mainstay, while Ch.2 altogether does away with a counterpart.

Wait, there’s more: Both have a different set of sponsors who seem to have signed exclusive contracts with the show. Ch. 2, however, irritates far more pronouncedly by making viewers wait far too longer with its advertising-addled lulls. One can park by MTV and manage to catch the latest of Usher and Eminem while waiting for the next story. The Ch. 2 news show is quite unreliable, too, in its skeds but it often starts several minutes later than the GMA show and ends just as long after Ch. 7 ends. Lastly, I cannot vouch for both stations’ broadcasting reach and clarity of reception, but I know for a fact that ABS has a radio “simulcast,” ensuring a following from radio-tuning folks around the archipelago.

We shouldn’t fail to mention that all five news anchors (six if we count Ces Oreña-Drilon who pinch-hits on Saturdays) are official endorsers of one product or another.

So, what’s the verdict? Who is No. 1? Kapamilya’s TV Patrol World and its appeal for sympathy and loyalty, and with global reach as come-on (“Tapat na serbisyo publiko…” or “Kami ang patrol ng Pilipino. Naglilingkod sa inyo saan man sa mundo)? Or Kapuso’s 24 Oras and its formidable journalistic parting shot (“Walang kinikilingan, walang pino-protektahan, pawang katotohanan lamang!” plus “Walang kasinungalingan. Serbisyong totoo lamang.”)?

I have said I press the toggle button of my remote control and it pretty much sums up my position. A better answer may lie just around the block so I did just that for weeks - walk around my neighborhood and spy on other people’s 6:30 PM TV habits. In the service of comprehensive and fair coverage, I also asked around from people in my hometown in the province.

The answer is basically the same: There seems to be an ongoing cold “war of the news networks” but ABS-CBN’s TV Patrol World lords it over in most neighborhoods. One cannot go wrong with that familiar sign-in tune as prima facie evidence. I think the popularity has something to do with all the plus points outlined above.

(A revised (improved) version of this was published in Subjective Magazine.)