I Didn't Know Jack

(Forwarded email)

I Didn't Know Jack

By Corey Beals

What did I know? Not much. I knew that I had a friend who just
shared with me that he struggled with same sex attraction. I knew I
was honored that he shared something that honest with me. I knew I
wanted to help him out however I could. But I didn't know how. I
didn't know what Jack really needed. I didn't really know Jack.

I didn't know that the desires he had were but one small part of his
identity and that he didn't identify himself as gay or homosexual.

I didn't know that what he really needed was a hug. I didn't know
how healing it could be for him to just have safe hugging and physical
touch.


I didn't know that getting `filled up' with safe, non-sexual physical
contact with men actually made it easier for him to not sexualize his same sex needs.

I didn't know that all boys have same sex needs. That is, all boys need
fatherly, loving physical touch and lots of it usually in the form of wrestling with
Dad, hugging Dad, piggy-back rides from Dad, etc.



I didn't know that if they don't get these needs met by Dad or some other fatherly figure in a non-sexual way, it's not uncommon for these neglected or abused boys to sexualize those needs and seek to fulfill them sexually.



I didn't know Jack.

I didn't know that my friend had been neglected and abused by his Dad
and smothered by his Mom.



I didn't know that my hugging him helped fill these core
needs for affection in a way that helped him get what he didn't get from his father.



I didn't know I could do more than wish him well and pray for him.



I didn't know Jack.

But there were some things I thought I knew which turned out to be
wrong. "If he's tempted by men, won't my hugging him just feed his
temptation? If for example, I have lustful thoughts for a woman,
hugging her would seem to make the problem worse not better.
Right?"




Well, that's where my ignorance was profound. My lust for
women is not the same as Jack's lust for men. His temptation was
coming from unmet needs for fatherly contact, and he had just
sexualized those core needs.

I had another question. If all he needed was some friendly non-
sexual physical contact with men why hasn't he got that someplace
else by now? Well once again, I didn't know Jack.




I didn't realize how hard it was to find such contact, since our American culture is
so quick to think that touch between men is sexual. I didn't realize how many men simply feared sharing these needs let alone getting them met by friends..



I didn't realize how `non-touching' we are and how toxic
this non-hugging environment is for men who didn't get their fatherly touch
needs met as a boy.

There remained one more question. What would others think about me
if I was seen hugging a man more than 1.25 seconds? I'll own that I
wondered what others would think. But once I realized that a friend was
dying of thirst and I was holding a glass of water, all those thoughts and
fears faded in importance.




"When I was thirsty, did you give me a drink or did you just
pray for me and send me on my way, still thirsty?"

My brothers, I beg you to get to know Jack. He is in your church.
You work with him. He's in your family. But he probably hasn't told you
for fear of what you'll think. Please give Jack a hug a long hug and help him get
what he never got as a boy. If your friend, coworker, brother-in-law, or
church brother gives you this and tells you, `I'm Jack,' please let him know that you
want to know more. And be a man. Help a brother. Give him a hug.