I Heart Hate Nature

(Sunday special: A second look at nature. Warning: This is one of the many unpublished articles that I have stashed somewhere. It should be read as a big joke.)
One of the funniest flicks I took a glimpse of this year is a youth-oriented, forgettable film whose title I, of course, can't recall. What I remember seeing is this shirt on this male character which says, "I Hate the Environment."
It’s so silly a slogan I thought it’s actually cool. No, truthful.
Indeed, we all have this romantic notion of saving planet Earth, but do we indeed mean it when we say “we are nature-lovers”? The truth is we don’t, as the shirt says. Now don't even get me started on illustrating why.
I, for one, often can't hide my true feelings about our natural environment. I recall having written three articles that documented how I despised nature - nature trips in particular - even as I enjoyed nature. The first one even won a place in a travel writing contest. Guess what it contained? Well, it documented my great distaste and disdain for doing the kilometric trek to the world-famous Banawe Rice Terraces. The second one, a travelogue on Sagada, complained about the constant threat of getting impaled on the stalagmites of Sumaging Cave. I remember grumbling about my cold all throughout that trip and how I’d rather watch cable TV at my rented place in Baguio. The third was doing the 'mystical' pools of Mt. Banahaw, where I complained to Winston, the tour guide/café owner, how I’d rather have his gourmet meal in his café rather than turn into a gourmet meal to the beasts of the jungle myself.
Indeed, for every blinding white strip like Boracay, there’s this fear of a tsunami engulfing me, if not at least getting sunburned for life. (I’d rather own an infinity pool.) For every exquisite coral formation, there is the ubiquitous threat of a hungry shark lurking. (I’d rather have an aquarium with a lone arowana in my room.) For every magical vista like the area around Taal Volcano, there’s the constant threat of an impending eruption. (I’d rather buy the postcard.) For every memorable trip to the Hundred Islands, there’s a report of a jerk almost drowning. (Wow Philippines!)
Whenever I think about nature, I still can’t get over that TV show I’ve watched as a kid where this nature documentarist covering the Amazon rainforest kept clicking away at his camera in utter amazement at a colony of carnivorous ants he had stumbled upon. He kept on mumbling to himself, “Wonderful!” (click) “Wonderful!” (click) -- until he realized too late he was already being feasted upon by his photography subjects as their special combo meal for the day. I’d rather build a terrarium. I’d rather go to Avilon Zoo. I’d rather watch Discovery Channel or National Geographic.
I prefer culture over doing nature the natural way. I would surely enjoy Carlos Celdran’s walking tours of old Manila. But, wait, even that is not spared being negatively affected by natural wonders. There’s the inevitable problem of the humid tropical weather. Perspiration! There must be a more profound reason why African safari tours are conducted necessarily inside secure, air-conditioned cars, don’t you think? It’s not just that the nature lover is protected from the wrath of rampaging rhinos; it is that, as engaging as the sights may be, there is that ambivalent feeling, the recognition of the savage nature of nature. Nature is something you appreciate only from a distance, from some kind of a smokescreen, with an amount of insurance of safety.
The koalas of Australia are cute – until they poop and fart or claw your face. Bird-watching is exciting - just make sure you don’t catch bird flu. It’s a commendable thing to protect those poor, endangered civet cats – until you realize that these blasted mammals are vectors of the deadly SARS virus. Recall how AIDS jumped from monkey to man - could someone have loved the environment so much as to venture on unprotected sex with a beast? That’s a ‘natural’ thing to do, right? That's human nature, right?
In some way, I hate environmentally sustainable architecture because the weather is always imperfect. When it's summer, it will be humid in there. When it's rainy, everything's muddy and drenched around it. I'm sure I have an automatic cause for complaint when it comes to winter and autumn, have I been living in the temperate zome. No matter the weather, it's ironically second nature to me to want air-conditioning and all the trappings of artificial urban climate adjustment.
Oftentimes, my idea of civic consciousness will never mean tree-hugging. It will invariably mean a rock concert, which, come to think of it, is environment-unfriendly. My idea of extreme sports is solving crossword puzzle. I hate nature because I love plastics, vinyl, velcro, finishing, lacquer, glaze, any industrial processing or procedure that makes life a lot less uncivilized, i.e. a lot more permanent and nonbiodegradable.
I could go on and on, but the truth is, nature, the natural environment, is overrated. Man, since the dawn of civilization, knows that. That is why we’re the only species in this planet that needs to build igloos and tepees and castles with moats to protect us from our enemies: natural resources, not the least the elements. When we come right down to it, we realize that the great outdoors is all about getting itchy, to paraphrase Sapphic lit icon Jeanette Winterson (Written on the Body).
Nature is not just overrated, it can also be dangerous, fearsome, horrible, ugly. It is a great threat to life -- earthquake, lightning, typhoon, hail, sandstorm, sleet, forest fires, avalanche, flood, killer bees, deadly snakes, cancer, tapeworm, mosquito bites, pimples, tooth decay, death.
I hate nature because, no matter what amount of damage man inflicts on it, it can be trusted to evolve. In this regard, it is not overrated, but beyond rating. Man is vulnerable to becoming extinct, but nature is sure to move on like nothing happened. Nature is long; man's life is short.
I believe that we must protect man from nature. Where would civilization be if scientists did not invent Tinactin for your jock itch and, need we mention, GMOs (genetically modified organism) for your ready-to-eat corned beef meal? Where would we be without MTV, CNN, the Internet, toilet paper, water purifier, microwaveable plastic containers, fluoridized water systems, irrigation, and such supposedly nasty energy sources as nuclear reactors?
I believe we must start marking Earth Day as the day we must question nature. For if we just let nature run its natural course, women shouldn't be wearing makeup. If we just let our nature run loose, most likely we would all just be having sex with each other and freely contract AIDS for it. That's the law of nature, right? It's but natural, right? We would all just be trying to outdo, outwit, and outlast one another – all survivors of Survivor - until the species itself gets cited on the CITES List (Convention on International Trade of Endangered Species) as endangered or, worse, extinct.
Don’t you just hate nature? I guess it’s best to let nature be nature and man be man. Let’s protect nature, yes, but in protecting it from man, we must not forget to remind ourselves of nature's crimes against humanity as well.